


Fall Apart And Repeat

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sexual References, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-15 14:57:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And when Dan finally asks about Michael, that’s when he realises that he won’t ever be loved the way Gavin loves Michael. Because piece by piece, Gavin lets the façade slip and uses Dan to clean up the fragments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fall Apart And Repeat

One day, Dan likes to think that it will be Gavin who’ll look at him in that way. Those side-ways glances and bright eyes that forever knock Dan off his feet, even if Michael was the one on the receiving end. That maybe it will be his name on the tip of Gavin’s tongue and the image of him in Gavin’s mind. Words and thoughts that were always of some other man’s name, and an auburn-haired picture forever glazed into Gavin’s thoughts. Maybe one day, Gavin will give Dan that phone call, and he can finally listen to those words that were forever on the tip of his own tongue, but never yet received. Dan likes to think that one day, the other will come back to England and finally love him the way he loves Gavin. 

Until that day, Dan lets himself be hurt, even if for a glimpse of the connection that he’s wanted since he could remember.

Because every time he calls Gavin, it’s Michael’s name falling from his lips and hitting Dan like a lead weight, heavy and hurting in a chest bursting with devotion but shrouded in neglect. And every time Gavin returns to England, all beaming smiles and warm embraces, Dan’s put second on the list. It’s always Michael who he talks about first before ever asking how Dan has been and what he’s been up to. And in the same sense, it’s always Michael who ends the day, leaving Gavin to fall asleep with a smile laced with affection and Dan struggling to breathe under the weight of not being good enough.

And when Dan finally asks about Michael, that’s when he realises that he won’t ever be loved the way Gavin loves Michael. Because piece by piece, Gavin lets the façade slip and uses Dan to clean up the fragments.

   “You talk about him a lot, you know?”

Dan’s words seemed to fade out, even in the voiceless comfort of his room. The only other noise was from their gaming set up, the sound feeling hollowed out and vacant despite how loud it was. Distantly, Dan knew it was just the sinking feeling that seemed to consume him these days, it made everything seem so much more pointless. Nothing seemed so light-hearted any more, despite the smiles and laughter and the typical mocking nicknames that forced their way through him by habit. Everything was dull, because he knew that even _now_ Gavin wasn’t thinking of him.

   “Who?” The answer was blunt enough, but Gavin seemed about to say something else before recoiling, licking his lips slightly and focusing back on the screen.

   “Michael.” Dan could feel just the name catch in his throat. He trained his eyes on the television screen, watching as his character aimlessly tried to shoot. His head wasn’t with the game, and contrary to what he thought, Gavin had at least noticed that much.

   “Don’t be daft.”

Any other time, Dan would brush it off like he normally did. That strong mask of humour keeping him stable even as Gavin eyes glinted with nothing short of disappointment as he brought it back up. Falling back into the routine of pretending he didn’t know, and having Gavin shifting closer to him as the night went on, legs brushing and eyes searching before he tried to fix himself, all the while seeing no one but Michael as he leaned forward to coax Dan into a kiss.

Any other time, Dan would pick up those shattering pieces and arrange them into something that resembled them as a couple. But that night, he tried to pry further, even if everything ended up in that sickly-sweet conclusion once again.

    “You do. He’s all you’ve talked about since you came home, Gavin.”

At that, even Gavin’s concentration failed and he left his game unattended, looking at Dan incredulously.

   “Come on, B. I’ve only mentioned him once.”

He sighed before turning back to the screen, but knew that the frustrated tension between them was brimming and beginning to spill over. There was only so long Gavin could lie and Dan could ignore his anger.

   “It’s not just been once. We’ve barely talked about anything else but him.”

Dan’s words were clipped and edged with rising annoyance, and when Gavin dropped his controller with a muted thud against the bed, Dan knew he’d cut a little too far in.

   “You bring this up _every_ time I come back over. I was just filing you in-“

   “-what? _Just_ about Michael?”

There was a silence as Dan stared at Gavin, noticing the way those green eyes couldn’t stay on his and the flicker of pain in them was so evident and so unusual it made his stomach churn. He wished it wasn’t like this. That Michael might feel how he did and that the pain would leave him alone, because that look – no matter how many times it manipulated him – hurt him more than words could comprehend. It wasn't like Gavin to act this open and vulnerable, and it got worse every time.

Dan sighed, and ran a hand across his tired eyes before feeling the prickle of stubble when his hand dropped, finally settling them in his lap.

   “You’re always thinking about him, Gavin. I’m not a complete idiot.”

His words had lost their usual playful manner, and gained a tone that Dan had almost forgot was his own voice. Neither said a word past that point. Gavin seemed to shrink into himself, but Dan noticed the barely-there nod as though Gavin was screaming his confessions at him. He couldn’t ruin the little time they spent together, he wasn’t stubborn by nature and by no means towards Gavin.

   “Sorry, B.”

Gavin merely nodded, forcing a smile and standing from the bed with a small squeak from the springs, deciding over Dan to quit the game and turn the Xbox off.

That night ended like every other. Dowsed in darkness as Gavin tried to kid himself that the person kissing him and trailing endless patterns across his skin was someone else. Somehow he thought the lack of light would make it easier, but every now and then he’d feel the tauter muscles under his hands and Dan’s stubble grazing his neck when he pressed weak kisses against the smooth skin, biting open-mouthed but gentle marks and causing sighs to fall from Gavin’s lips – heavy with want of another.

Dan would try to plead with his actions, kissing Gavin so deeply and meshing their lips together with unspoken words, almost like some unwritten message and he hoped that maybe Gavin could feel that withering spark in his chest, but almost every time the gesture was cut short, and Gavin turned his head to the side again as though avoiding any sort of intimate contact at all. Dan felt his affection simmer down into a bed of dying ashes that night, but tried to at least grant himself just a final hour of having Gavin this close.

It was a battle of rush and indulgence, with Gavin pulling hair and pushing back and trying to coax Dan to move and a silent want behind his actions for something else. Something that Dan could never give him. Even as his jaw slackened with a groan when his hand reached down, palming Gavin slowly, _deliberately_ slowly, the passion was not there and Dan couldn’t bring himself to even hint towards some kind of intimacy in return. He watched with dull eyes as Gavin’s own orbs flickered open and shut, revelling in the feel of his fingernails digging into one of his shoulder blades whilst the other hand held his wrist, never trying to pull away but holding him steady.

Dan could feel his own heart shatter once again when it was Michael’s name on Gavin’s lips as he came, arching and gasping and as his eyes opened, he seemed to realise and that look of ecstasy was replaced with something hollow. When Gavin finally looked back up to Dan, there was nothing short of disappointment behind those green eyes, and when he leaned up to kiss him – just one, chaste touch- Dan knew that they couldn't lie to them selves about it any more. And that spark inside of him finally went out.

As they both drifted between utter exhaustion and the clutches of sleep, he couldn’t just leave the matter so silent and unspoken of. Dan only had to ask one question to settle himself.

   “You love him, don’t you?”

His voice was barely audible, the silence of the room drowning them in some odd form of comfort, before Gavin’s voice broke the veil.

   “I’m sorry, B.”

He didn’t have to specify what those words meant, because Dan already knew. Oddly, he fell asleep short after and slept right through the night. As much as his chest felt bruised and his head ached, some form of serenity seemed to engulf him. Even as Gavin shuffled further away from him, huddled into the blankets like a shield, he’d lost his usual energy, because he knew there was no point in trying so hard any more.

When the pair woke up that morning, they tried their best to erase what had happened that night - a repeat of so many before. Gavin didn’t speak a word of Michael, and instead Dan could feel that familiar connection they’d had before fill back up – just friendship.

And when Gavin left him again, he’d pick up those pieces and try to keep them secure and safe. But deep down he knew that even if progress had been made between them, Gavin would still be back to shatter him again.

With smiles not meant for him and fond words interlaced with someone else’s name, Dan knew he’d never be Gavin’s – but the cycle would start again when Gavin came back home.

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like to reblog or like this fic on tumblr:
> 
> http://teaandotherstuff.tumblr.com/post/46809270557/fall-apart-and-repeat


End file.
